What is an Episcopalian?

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10 TOP REASONS TO BE AN EPISCOPALIAN
From the comedian Robin Williams, who is an Episcopalian, on an HBO special:
10.  No snake handling.
9.  You can believe in dinosaurs.
8.  Male and female God created them; male and female we ordain them.
7.  You don't have to check your brains at the door.
6.  Pew aerobics.
5.  Church year is color-coded.
4.  Free wine on Sunday.
3.  All of the pageantry - none of the guilt.
2.  You don't have to know how to swim to get baptized.

and the NUMBER ONE reason to be an Episcopalian:

1.  No matter what you believe, there's bound to be at least one other Episcopalian who agrees with you.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A EPISCOPALIAN WHEN:

• It's 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service.
• You hear something really funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as you can.
• Donuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee.
• When you watch a Star Wars movie and they say, "May the Force be with you," and you respond, "And also with you."
• And lastly, it takes ten minutes to say good-bye.

​EPISCOPAL JOKES

• ​An old Episcopal grandmother finally decided to read the Bible. She purchased a large-print edition and read it cover-to-cover. When she finished, she pulled the rector aside at coffee hour and confided, “I really enjoyed reading the Bible, but I was surprised how much it quotes the Book of Common Prayer!”
• Episcopalians drink coffee as if it were the third sacrament.
• An Episcopalian is nothing more than a Catholic who failed Latin.
• You might be an Episcopalian if while looking for a can opener in the church kitchen, all you can find are four corkscrews.
• Do you know why Episcopalians are lousy chess players? Because they don’t know the difference between a Bishop and a Queen!
• Where two or three Episcopalians are gathered, there’s a fifth.

A woman dies and goes to heaven, and St. Peter takes her on a tour. They pass a pit where people were gnashing their teeth and wailing, and the woman asks, “Who’s down there?” St. Peter says, “Oh, those are the Catholics who ate meat on Fridays.” 
They walk a little farther and there’s another pit with more groaning and wailing, and she says, “Okay, who’s down there?” St. Peter answers, “Those are the Baptists who went to dances.” 
A little farther along, there’s another pit filled with people gnashing their teeth and crying and ripping their garments. The woman asks, “And those people?” St. Peter replies, “Those are the Episcopalians who ate their salads with their fish forks.”

Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a lightbulb? (in ascending order)
A: Two. One to mix the martinis, and one to call the electrician.
A: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one better.
A: Twelve. One to do the work and eleven to serve on the committee.
A: Change the lightbulb?! My grandmother gave that lightbulb!

EPISCOPALIANS
Adapted from an essay by Garrison Keillor
We make fun of Episcopalians for their blandness, their excessive calm, their fear of giving offense, their lack of speed and also for their secret fondness for macaroni and cheese. But nobody sings like them. If you were to ask an audience in Des Moines, a relatively Episcopalianless place, to sing along on the chorus of "Michael Row the Boat Ashore," they will look daggers at you as if you had asked them to strip to their underwear. But if you do this among Episcopalians, they'd smile and row that boat ashore and up on the beach!... And down the road!
Many Episcopalians are bred from childhood to sing in four-part harmony, a talent that comes from sitting on the lap of someone singing alto or tenor or bass and hearing the harmonic intervals by putting your little head against that person's rib cage. It's natural for Episcopalians to sing in harmony. We are too modest to be soloists, too worldly to sing in unison. When you're singing in the key of C and you slide into the A7th and D7th chords, all two hundred of you, it's an emotionally fulfilling moment. By our joining in harmony, we somehow promise that we will not forsake each other.
I do believe this, people: Episcopalians, who love to sing in four-part harmony are the sort of people you could call up when you're in deep distress. If you are dying, they will comfort you. If you are lonely, they'll talk to you. And if you are hungry, they'll give you tuna salad!
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​EPISCOPAL BELIEFS

• Episcopalians believe in prayer, but would practically die if asked to pray out loud. Episcopalians like to sing, except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn with more than four stanzas.
• Episcopalians believe their rectors will visit them in the hospital, even if they don't notify them that they are there.
• Episcopalians usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins.
• Episcopalians believe in miracles and even expect miracles, especially during their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.
• Episcopalians feel that applauding for their children's choirs will not make the kids too proud and conceited.
• Episcopalians think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while passing the peace.
• Episcopalians drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.
• Episcopalians feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding reception in the Fellowship Hall.
• Episcopalians are willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at church.
• Episcopalians still serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color of the season and Episcopalians believe that it is OK to poke fun at themselves and never take themselves too seriously.